Let’s talk about…Driving.
If there is a topic to discuss that is perhaps even more emotional than moving from your home, it is giving up the keys to the car. There is so much represented by one’s ability to drive –freedom, independence, responsibility, status. It sometimes serves as the great divide among seniors – those that can still drive and those that cannot. The question I like to ask is “Just because you still have a license – does that mean you should still be driving?”
Frequently, children of older adults will confess in conversation – “I know he/she shouldn’t be driving anymore, but if I tell them they have to stop, they’ll kill me.” Does that sound familiar? If so, you are not alone.
I like to say there are two categories of seniors who should stop driving:
- Those that are cognitively impaired with a form of dementia and
- Those that have physical limitations that create dangerous situations on the road
The first category is perhaps the easiest to address. It is the one that can also be provided by third party intervention. When someone is under a physician’s care, the physician is bound by law to report a driver that is no longer competent to drive – due to the effects of a CVA (stroke), a head injury (TBI), a neurological condition or the presence of dementia (to the degree it affects their functional abilities). In those cases, you may deal with the aftermath of the decision, but the anger at you as the decision-maker can be avoided. The aftermath of the decision can be somewhat predictable –you should expect that there will be anger, hurt, hostility, depression…the list will go on. What is important to realize is that the decision to revoke a license is based on the very criteria that was necessary to earn the privilege to drive in the first place.
The second category is not as clear-cut - and is almost always a talk that is very difficult to have without significant emotional reactions from all involved. There are two links below that provide great information and discussion.
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/publication/older-drivers
On a personal note, I faced both situations with my own parents. My mother was still angry and in part blamed me for “telling the doctor things that weren’t true”. But her physician was wonderful about pointing out that his decision was based on HIS findings. She was still angry, followed by sadness and frustration – but our community and my mother were safer with her off the road.
In my father’s case, his physical limitations, vision and diminished reaction time made him a liability on the road – not to mention that his top speed was 25mph. That in itself was an invitation for a road rage incident. In his case, the conversation was different. What turned it around was my reminding him that he was a pillar of his community, a man of honor and integrity, admired by so many – and never once had someone told me “your dad is a helluva driver!” Continuing to drive was not as important as preserving a lifetime of good works.
If you need help starting this conversation, let’s talk!